Can I be frank?

I am a 50 year old woman who is tired of going without. (I turn 50 next month, so I’m owning it early).  Without romance, companionship, sex.  It’s been years since I’ve had a all of those things.  The saddest part about the whole thing is that I was married to a man for 10 years.  He was  tall, beautiful, talented, funny, intelligent …everything a woman could want.  The only thing lacking was sex.   That man could go for years without ever trying to make love to me.  He just had no interest in it.

I should have known something was wrong when we were dating.  He could never last more than a minute, literally.  He would claim it was because he was nervous, or he was feeling guilty about his girlfriend.  (I know, I know…I’m evil.  He was with someone that he was unhappy with.  According to him, they never had sex.  Of course, looking back I totally believe that one!)  Anyway, our sex life wasn’t the best while we were dating.  He ended up leaving his girlfriend and moving in with me.  Sex was still pretty lousy.  But I didn’t care, I loved him.  He was supportive.  He helped me follow my dream of being a screenwriter. He encouraged me to be the best that I could be.

There’s an old saying about married sex.  When you get married, for the first year, every time you have sex you put a penny in a jar.  After the first year, every time you get married, you take a penny out of the jar.  Well, our first year we wouldn’t have put a quarter’s worth in and we wouldn’t have taken a dimes worth out for the other nine years.  We didn’t have sex for the last three years of our marriage.  I was so sexually frustrated.  I can’t tell you how many nights I begged him to make love to me.  I think he probably had a little vomit in his mouth at the thought of it.  He acted like the thought made him sick.

I know that sex isn’t everything, but it is something valuable and important in a relationship.  I need sex.  I crave it.  Sex makes me happy.  But my ex didn’t need it.  Not from me anyway.  He did manage to have an affair with a big old honking bull dyke looking chick, though.  Go figure.  He wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole, but he had an affair with the most abrasive and crude nurse at the hospital where we both worked.  Lucky me, I walked in and found them together.  After ten years of marriage, I find my husband screwing a big old heifer on his desk.  Lovely.

He had other issues, like the fact that he kept long evening gowns hidden in the back of the closet and refused to get rid of them.  I put them in a stack for Goodwill, thinking that they would be gotten rid of, but found them several months later hidden in the closet again.  I think he is a cross dresser. I think he is attracted to men or to women who remind him of men.  He was feminine in a lot of ways.  I guess I just didn’t want to see it.  After months of pressuring him, he finally went to the doctor and had a testosterone test.  He had zero testosterone.  He refused to take testosterone pills in order to help our sex life.  He had absolutely no desire to be with me.

I loved and adored him, but after ten years of being rejected I had enough.  Now I’m divorced and am trying to navigate my way through this crazy dating world.

As a 50 year old woman, I have to say I am lost.  Men my age don’t see me.  I’m invisible to them.  I’m not saying I’m gorgeous or anything, but I’m an attractive, fit, funny, friendly woman.  I have big dimples and a friendly smile.  People are naturally attracted to me, but not men in their 40′s and 50′s.  To them I’m some old grandma who is wrinkled and fading away.  Younger men see me.  Younger men still see me as a younger woman.  I noticed it this past summer.  I haven’t worn shorts out in public for years.  My son bought a paddle board for me.  I would take it down to the river where folks walk and run the local trail.  Beautiful, hot guys would smile at me and talk to me.  I know the paddle board caught their attention, but I kept it. It made me realize that I’m not some faded out old biddy.  I still have it in me to attract men.

I read an article about a woman in England who was 60.  She said that when she turned 60 she felt unwanted, nonsexual and dried up.  She wanted to feel like a woman again.  She decided she was tired of dating older, flabby men so she joined a website called Tinder.  She posted that she was 54 and sat back to see what kind of response she would get.  Evidently she had a great response.  Tinder is a site where you post a picture and a little bit about yourself.  Very basic stuff.  If a man likes you he’ll click a heart button and if he doesn’t, he’ll “x” you out.  If you like him too, it will let him know that you are a match. She said that men in their 20′s and 30′s responded to her because they are tired of younger women.  They like older women because we have no inhibitions.  We know what we want and aren’t afraid to ask for it.  According to her  blog, she had slept with 15 young men in a year.

I know that a lot of people read that article and thought that it was horrible.  I’m sure they called her a slut and a whore, but when I read it I thought “good for her”.  I know exactly how she feels.  I long for good old passionate sex.  I want to feel like the sexy, attractive woman that I am.  I want to have a man make love to me more than once in a night.  I want a man to ravish me.

So, I joined Tinder.  Right away I started getting matches from guys in their twenties and thirties.  A few forty something’s, but mainly younger men.

I’m going to see what happens and share it with whomever may read this blog.  I don’t know if I’ll be brave enough to do the one night stand thing, but I’m going to see where this goes.  It’ll be fun.  I’ll post a blog for each adventure that I go on.

Wish me luck!