A Fool and her Booty are Soon Parted (Plus my first Tinder date!)

I have to say that for a 50 year old I’m kind of stupid.  I figured out how to take the famous Kim K booty shot.  I pointed my phone towards the mirror and took a couple of shots.  One of the things that I learned is there is a reason why Miss K parts her legs a little bit.  Your booty looks better for some reason.  I took a simple picture of me in some pink cotton panties.  My room is a little messy in the background, but it’s an okay shot. I made sure to keep the thigh cellulite out of the shot, of course; another trick of Kim’s.

We’ll call my little panty-loving match “Luke”.  I had texted him back and forth a couple of times, so I sent him the picture.  The very second that I did, I realized that I had never put his contact in my phone.  I had just sent my booty shot to my son’s best friend who just happens to be named Luke.  Oh my God!  I panicked.  I sat by the phone and waited for a response.   I told myself that Luke is a good kid.  I’m sure he’s in shock that his  “second mom” just sent a panty shot of herself.  I’m sure I scarred him for life!  That’s my karma.  That’s what I get for being such a sleazy, slutty person.  He’s going to tell my son.  My kids are going to freak out and send me to some sexaholic clinic.  I’m going to be labeled as a cougar.  An old biddy that hits on innocent young guys.  I’m so stupid.

I waited.  No response. I didn’t hear back from Luke.  Not a word.  For a full day and a half.  Then yesterday he sent me a weird text.  “Do you happen to be blessed with the presence of your son with a name almost as beautiful as thee?”  Normally he would say, “Hey, is Mark home?”  so I know he got the photo.  I’m so embarrassed. I don’t think I can ever face that kid again.  His second mom has abandoned him for life.

So, instead of the butt photo I sent the other Luke a shot of my legs.  He said he was a leg man.  He responded right away and said my legs were “wow”.  I’m not good at this.  I want to be sexy, but I don’t think you have to take sexy photos of yourself in order to be sexy.  I know men are visual.  I know they need to see the female body, but there are millions of photos of butts and thighs all over the internet.  They can look at those and wait to see mine in person.

Now let’s get to the good stuff.  I finally went out on a date!  Yay.  Progress, indeed. I went out with a beautiful 29 year old  man that I’ll call “Steve”.  His photos were nice.  Not one shot of him standing next to a dead animal or sucking on a beer keg, which is always a plus.  There was a shot of him onstage, so I knew we had the whole entertainment thing in common.  I figured at the very least we would have film and movies to talk about.

When he called me I heard the soft West Texas drawl that I’m so familiar with.  I had no idea he was from Lubbock until we talked later that night.  His voice and accent made me feel comfortable right away.

We met at Lucille’s on Raney Street.  I had never been to Lucille’s or to Raney Street, so I was happy that I was going to get to experience a new part of town.  Raney Street was jumping;  several blocks of bars and restaurants that are in old houses.  When I parked and saw him standing there, my heart skipped a beat.  This guy was way too beautiful for me.  Tall, fit as hell, beautiful face.  He’s gonna take one look at me and say “no thank you, lady” and walk away.  Much to my surprise he didn’t.  He was very sweet and polite.

Of course, when we walked in to Lucille’s, I walked right on through, but he got carded.  Ugh.  A lovely reminder of our age difference.  Lucille’s was awesome.  Nice atmosphere, good music, lovely hipsters everywhere.  They had giant games of checkers and Tic Tac Toe on the tables.  We ordered a drink and sat in a corner booth.  He stretched out across the booth and made himself comfortable.  What a sexy man.  Beautiful smile, nice lips, pretty eyes…I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.  We had a great chat.  It felt comfortable and right.  He was funny, too, which is the sexiest part of all.  We talked about his acting career and my short films.  We talked about his job doing promos and how much he travels, which is a lot evidently.  We talked about our past relationships and what we’re looking for.  When he got up to go to the bathroom, he asked me for a hug and said that I was sweet, which was sweet.

When we finished up at Lucille’s we went to a bar on West 6th called Kung Fu.  Great music, tons of people hanging out and dancing.  It was a fun atomosphere.  Who knew I was missing out on all of these amazing places in Austin?  I need to get out more.  He received a text from his friend to go across the street to a bar called Dirty Bill’s, so we went over there.  The music was old school hip hop.  Folks were dancing and drinking and having the best time.  His friends were sweet to me and accepted me like I was one of their own.  One of his friends told me that they were from Mumbai (I think)  She said that age doesn’t matter there.  They don’t celebrate birthdays.  When someone dies, they just make up a birthdate to put on the death certificate because they honestly don’t know how old someone is.

We danced and partied until the bar closed.  It was fun to watch him dance and let loose.  He was happy.  The guy is so handsome that some chick came up and asked if she could take a picture with him.

Afterward we went to his friend’s house, where he is staying for SXSW.  We went straight to the bedroom.  I won’t go in to great detail, but I will say that I’ve never been with a man who is so blessed.  I don’t think I could be with him on a regular basis.  My poor body couldn’t take it.  It was a little intimidating.  I’ve always heard that size doesn’t matter, but it does when you’re riding that pony.  Size matters a lot.

The best part was that every second of it was beautiful and sexy.  There wasn’t one false moment in the whole experience.  At least not for me.  Maybe he’s just that good of an actor, I don’t know, but it felt good and right.

So, I busted my Tinder cherry.   I hope I see him again.  I also hope that I’m not making a complete and total fool of myself.  I’m gonna follow through for a little while and see what happens.

In the meantime, I’m having a great time.  It’s fun to see who I match up with and who actually contacts me.  There are some beautiful men out there.  Who knew that some of them would “like” an old broad like me?


Can I be frank?

I am a 50 year old woman who is tired of going without. (I turn 50 next month, so I’m owning it early).  Without romance, companionship, sex.  It’s been years since I’ve had a all of those things.  The saddest part about the whole thing is that I was married to a man for 10 years.  He was  tall, beautiful, talented, funny, intelligent …everything a woman could want.  The only thing lacking was sex.   That man could go for years without ever trying to make love to me.  He just had no interest in it.

I should have known something was wrong when we were dating.  He could never last more than a minute, literally.  He would claim it was because he was nervous, or he was feeling guilty about his girlfriend.  (I know, I know…I’m evil.  He was with someone that he was unhappy with.  According to him, they never had sex.  Of course, looking back I totally believe that one!)  Anyway, our sex life wasn’t the best while we were dating.  He ended up leaving his girlfriend and moving in with me.  Sex was still pretty lousy.  But I didn’t care, I loved him.  He was supportive.  He helped me follow my dream of being a screenwriter. He encouraged me to be the best that I could be.

There’s an old saying about married sex.  When you get married, for the first year, every time you have sex you put a penny in a jar.  After the first year, every time you get married, you take a penny out of the jar.  Well, our first year we wouldn’t have put a quarter’s worth in and we wouldn’t have taken a dimes worth out for the other nine years.  We didn’t have sex for the last three years of our marriage.  I was so sexually frustrated.  I can’t tell you how many nights I begged him to make love to me.  I think he probably had a little vomit in his mouth at the thought of it.  He acted like the thought made him sick.

I know that sex isn’t everything, but it is something valuable and important in a relationship.  I need sex.  I crave it.  Sex makes me happy.  But my ex didn’t need it.  Not from me anyway.  He did manage to have an affair with a big old honking bull dyke looking chick, though.  Go figure.  He wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole, but he had an affair with the most abrasive and crude nurse at the hospital where we both worked.  Lucky me, I walked in and found them together.  After ten years of marriage, I find my husband screwing a big old heifer on his desk.  Lovely.

He had other issues, like the fact that he kept long evening gowns hidden in the back of the closet and refused to get rid of them.  I put them in a stack for Goodwill, thinking that they would be gotten rid of, but found them several months later hidden in the closet again.  I think he is a cross dresser. I think he is attracted to men or to women who remind him of men.  He was feminine in a lot of ways.  I guess I just didn’t want to see it.  After months of pressuring him, he finally went to the doctor and had a testosterone test.  He had zero testosterone.  He refused to take testosterone pills in order to help our sex life.  He had absolutely no desire to be with me.

I loved and adored him, but after ten years of being rejected I had enough.  Now I’m divorced and am trying to navigate my way through this crazy dating world.

As a 50 year old woman, I have to say I am lost.  Men my age don’t see me.  I’m invisible to them.  I’m not saying I’m gorgeous or anything, but I’m an attractive, fit, funny, friendly woman.  I have big dimples and a friendly smile.  People are naturally attracted to me, but not men in their 40′s and 50′s.  To them I’m some old grandma who is wrinkled and fading away.  Younger men see me.  Younger men still see me as a younger woman.  I noticed it this past summer.  I haven’t worn shorts out in public for years.  My son bought a paddle board for me.  I would take it down to the river where folks walk and run the local trail.  Beautiful, hot guys would smile at me and talk to me.  I know the paddle board caught their attention, but I kept it. It made me realize that I’m not some faded out old biddy.  I still have it in me to attract men.

I read an article about a woman in England who was 60.  She said that when she turned 60 she felt unwanted, nonsexual and dried up.  She wanted to feel like a woman again.  She decided she was tired of dating older, flabby men so she joined a website called Tinder.  She posted that she was 54 and sat back to see what kind of response she would get.  Evidently she had a great response.  Tinder is a site where you post a picture and a little bit about yourself.  Very basic stuff.  If a man likes you he’ll click a heart button and if he doesn’t, he’ll “x” you out.  If you like him too, it will let him know that you are a match. She said that men in their 20′s and 30′s responded to her because they are tired of younger women.  They like older women because we have no inhibitions.  We know what we want and aren’t afraid to ask for it.  According to her  blog, she had slept with 15 young men in a year.

I know that a lot of people read that article and thought that it was horrible.  I’m sure they called her a slut and a whore, but when I read it I thought “good for her”.  I know exactly how she feels.  I long for good old passionate sex.  I want to feel like the sexy, attractive woman that I am.  I want to have a man make love to me more than once in a night.  I want a man to ravish me.

So, I joined Tinder.  Right away I started getting matches from guys in their twenties and thirties.  A few forty something’s, but mainly younger men.

I’m going to see what happens and share it with whomever may read this blog.  I don’t know if I’ll be brave enough to do the one night stand thing, but I’m going to see where this goes.  It’ll be fun.  I’ll post a blog for each adventure that I go on.

Wish me luck!