The Life of Meagan (a screenplay)

INT. PSYCHOLOGIST OFFICE-DAY

MEAGAN, 30ish yuppy, sits uncomfortably in an overstuffed
chair. At a desk across from her sits DR. BARNARD, 50ish,
short and bearded.

DR. BARNARD
What do you do when he approaches
you for sex?

MEAGAN
Nothing. I just lay there.

DR. BARNARD
You don’t respond?

Meagan
No.

Dr Barnard
Why not?

MEAGAN
I guess I just don’t want to be
disappointed again.

DR. BARNARD
I see.

MEAGAN
I don’t know. When we do talk about
sex all I see is him sitting there
naked with this limp dick. Just
laying there on his lap. And he’s
just yapping and yapping about how
we need to just do it. Just do it!
But how can we do it when he loses
his erection 30 seconds after we
start?

Dr. Barnard sits back in his chair and puts his hands behind
his head. He studies Meagan for a minute.

MEAGAN
I guess I feel like he conned me.
When we first got together sex was
great and now it’s pathetic.

DR. BARNARD
Have you tried oral sex?

MEAGAN
Yes. But I’ve been emotionally
turned off for so long that even
oral sex does nothing for me.

DR. BARNARD
It could be a simple case of low
testosterone levels. Have you had
any bloodwork done?

MEAGAN
No. I know it’s not MY testosterone.
It’s HIS. If he hadn’t’ve started
losing his erection I never
would’ve lost my sex drive.

DR. BARNARD
Has he tried Viagra?

MEAGAN
Yes. He had a good erection, but he
was so busy looking for every sign
of change in his body he couldn’t
perform. I think sex lasted MAYBE 3
minutes that time. Right when I
started feeling it, he came.

DR. BARNARD
The first time using Viagra can be
a little dramatic. The gentleman
gets flushed…

MEAGAN
I know. I know. He gets flushed and
he feels all hot. That happened to
him.
(sitting forward in
her chair)
I just want to know what happened
to good old fuckin’? I want to be
fucked, you know? I want to be
nailed hard. I want to be sore the
next day. I want to KNOW I had sex!

The TIMER goes off. Dr. Barnard stops the BUZZING and grimaces.

DR. BARNARD
I hate to say it, but that’s it for
today.

MEAGAN
So, that’s it? I have to leave.

DR. BARNARD
Meagan, just do this. Whenever he
approaches you for sex, just
picture him with a huge erection.

MEAGAN
Yeah, right. What will that do?

DR. BARNARD
It may help you become aroused. If
you’re aroused, then maybe he’ll be
more aroused.

MEAGAN
It’s not going to work.

DR. BARNARD
Try it. I’ll see you this time next
week?

MEAGAN
Yeah.

INT. MEAGAN’S BEDROOM-NIGHT

TODD, early 40’s, athletic type sits at the foot of the
bed,wearing boxer shorts and clipping his toenails. Meagan
lays on the bed, reading a magazine.

Todd blows a nail out of the clipper, stands and places the
clippers on the dresser. He crawls onto the bed, acting like
a tiger. He GROWLS.

TODD
Hey, little girl. I’m hungry!

Meagan lowers her magazine, gives him a look of boredom and
continues to read.
TODD
(pulling the covers
from around Meagan)
I’m gonna eat you!

Meagan pulls the covers back up and looks at Todd.
Suddenly Todd becomes a huge limp PENIS pulling on her
blankets. Meagan winces.

MEAGAN
Stop it Todd! I’m not in the mood.

The penis sits up, still very limp and crosses his arms.

TODD/PENIS
You’re never in the mood.

MEAGAN
I wonder why.

TODD/PENIS
Do you really find me that repulsive?

Meagan closes her eyes and tries to picture an erect penis.
She opens her eyes and still sees the limp penis.

MEAGAN
(repulsed)
No. I don’t find you repulsive.

TODD/PENIS
Well, what’s the problem then?

MEAGAN
My psychologist thinks I may have a
low testosterone level.

TODD/PENIS
You? Women don’t have testosterone.

MEAGAN
Yes we do.

The penis crawls over and lays next to Meagan. He lays on
his side and caresses Meagan.

TODD/PENIS
I want you.

Meagan pushes him away. The penis shrinks a little as he
moves away from her.

TODD/PENIS
That’s really a turn off when you
push me away.

MEAGAN
How can you tell when you’re turned
off or on?

TODD/PENIS
What?

MEAGAN
Nothing.

Meagan places the magazine on her nightstand and rolls over,
facing the wall.

TODD/PENIS
What did you mean by that?

MEAGAN
I just don’t understand how you can
tell when you’re turned off or on.
You never seem to be very hard.

TODD/PENIS
(shrinking even more)
That’s mean.

MEAGAN
Let’s just go to sleep. You can go
with me to my next counselling
session.

The penis scoots down under the covers and turns off the light.

INT. PSYCHOLOGIST OFFICE-DAY

Todd and Meagan sit in chairs across from Dr. Barnard.
Dr. Barnard sits with his hands clasped in front of him and
observes Todd and Megan.

DR. BARNARD
So, Todd. Meagan has expressed
concern in regards to your sex life.

TODD
Yeah.

DR. BARNARD
Can you elaborate?

TODD
Well. She wants everthing to be
perfect. She won’t let me touch her
if she hasn’t had a shower.

MEAGAN
Well, that’s gross. Women can
smell, you know.

DR. BARNARD
Let him talk, Meagan.

TODD
(to Dr. Barnard)
Thanks, Doc. And she doesn’t want
to do it if the kids are around.
They have to be asleep. Whenever I
rub on her and try to have sex with
her she just lays there like she
can’t feel anything. Finally I just
give up and go to sleep.

DR. BARNARD
Why do you think she rolls over?

TODD
I don’t know. She says she has no
sex drive. I keep telling her that
if we just do it, her libido will
eventually kick back in and we’ll
be fine.

DR. BARNARD
How was your sex life when you were
first married?

TODD
Great. Awesome. She used to
ejaculate all over my face…

MEAGAN
Todd!

TODD
Well, you did.
(to the doctor)
She did. I used to think I would
drown in her cum. If she would just
do it more often she could come
like that again. But no….

Meagan grimaces as Todd turns into a giant, limp penis. She
closes her eyes and then opens them hoping he will be Todd
again, but he’s still the penis.

TODD/PENIS
If we just do it anytime, whether
she’s clean or not, or whether the
kids are awake or not, we’ll get
back into the swing of things and
we’ll be normal again.

DR. BARNARD
Meagan? How do you feel about what
Todd has to say?

Meagan stares at Todd (the penis) and does not respond to Dr.
Barnard.
DR. BARNARD
Meagan?

MEAGAN
Uh, what did you say?

DR. BARNARD
How do you feel about what Todd says?

MEAGAN
I think that he’s full of shit.

TODD/PENIS
See Doc! She has no respect for me.

MEAGAN
How can I respect a limp penis?

TODD/PENIS
Limp penis?!

MEAGAN
Look at you. You’re nothing but a
shriveled up, pathetic penis!

TODD/PENIS
Me? What about you? You’re nothing
but a dried up old cunt!

DR. BARNARD
Stop it! Right now! You two need to
take a few minutes and look at
yourselves.

The penis and Meagan calm down. Meagan looks over at Todd
who has shriveled down to two balls with a little nub of a
penis. She looks away quickly.

DR. BARNARD
Meagan. What do you think we need
to do in order to fix this problem?

MEAGAN
I think I need to just become a
lesbian. I don’t think I want dick
anymore.

TODD/PENIS
Very funny.

MEAGAN
I’m not being funny. I’m serious. I
think I’m all penised out. I really
think I need to just quit being
with men altogether.

DR. BARNARD
I think it takes a little more than
just deciding to be gay, Meagan.

MEAGAN
No. It doesn’t. I’ve decided.
(turning to Todd/penis)
I’m leaving you. I want a divorce.

TODD/PENIS
You’re kidding, right? Doc? She
can’t do this.

Meagan stands, bends to kiss Todd, realizes he’s still a
penis, and pulls away.

MEAGAN
I’m serious. I don’t want this
anymore. Doc, thanks for your help.
I’ll give you a call in a few
months to let you know how I’m doing.

Meagan leaves the office. Todd, back to his normal self,
sits across from the doctor.

TODD
I can’t beleive she’d rather be
with women than with me! All she
had to do was have sex with me
whenever I wanted it.

DR. BARNARD
She’ll be back, Todd. Just give her
time.

INT. PSYCHOGIST OFFICE-DAY

Meagan, new butch haircut, sits across from the doctor. Next
to her sits CLEO, beautiful, butch black woman.

DR. BARNARD
So, Cleo. Meagan expresses concern
about your sex life. Can you
elaborate?

CLEO
I don’t understand that, doctor. I
always want to have sex with
Meagan, but she pushes me away.

DR. BARNARD
Have you talked to each other about
what the problem is?

Meagan looks over at Cleo, who has now turned into a green
and white-splotched gigantic TONGUE.

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